Est. 2026 • Daily Edition
Trenchers Jobs Daily
"All The Jobs Fit To Apply"
Vol. 1, No. 1
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2026
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PRICE: FREE (Your Soul)
UNEMPLOYMENT HITS RECORD HIGH
The Department of Labor reported yesterday that unemployment among crypto traders has reached an all-time high of 94.7%. "We've never seen anything like this," said Secretary Thompson. "These people went from buying Lambos to applying at McDonald's in a matter of weeks."
Economists attribute the crisis to a series of high-profile rug pulls and the collapse of multiple "guaranteed moon shots." One former whale was quoted saying, "I had $2 million in my wallet last month. Now I clean toilets."
MARKET NOTICES
⚠️ FLASH CRASH ALERT
SOLANA down 87% in 3 minutes. All leverage positions liquidated. F.
💀 RUG PULL CONFIRMED
$MOON token dev sold all tokens. Liquidity removed. Telegram deleted. Classic.
🔥 EMERGENCY NOTICE
If you bought the top yesterday, McDonald's is hiring. See page 3.
📉 MARKET UPDATE
All shitcoins crashed simultaneously. Experts say "we told you so."
🚨 FLASH CRASH #2
Bitcoin dropped $15k in 5 seconds. Whales laughing. Retail crying.
McDONALD'S BREAKS HIRING RECORDS
2,847 Former Crypto Traders Employed in February Alone
UNPRECEDENTED DEMAND: Massive queue outside McDonald's as thousands of former crypto traders seek stable employment. Photo taken February 4, 2026.
In an unprecedented move, McDonald's Corporation announced today that it has hired 2,847 workers in February 2026 alone, making it the largest employer of former cryptocurrency enthusiasts in history.
"We're seeing incredible talent," said HR Director Sarah Martinez. "These people have experience working 24/7, they're used to high-stress environments, and they're incredibly motivated. Plus, they already know what it's like to get burned."
The company has opened dedicated hiring centers in major cities, specifically targeting former blockchain developers, Discord moderators, and shitcoin snipers. Starting pay is $11/hour, significantly more stable than most crypto ventures.
JOB MARKET ANALYSIS
Experts predict the greatest job migration in modern history as thousands of "degens" transition from Web3 to traditional employment.
"The job market is experiencing a unique phenomenon," notes economist Dr. Rebecca Stone. "We have highly skilled individuals willing to take entry-level positions just to have steady income."
TRENDING POSITIONS:
• Factory Worker
• Warehouse Loader
• McDonald's Crew
• Toilet Cleaner
• Night Security
• Factory Worker
• Warehouse Loader
• McDonald's Crew
• Toilet Cleaner
• Night Security
FROM RICHES TO RAGS
Local resident John Doe, 28, went from owning a Bored Ape to mopping floors in just six months. "It's humbling," he said. "But at least I have health insurance now."
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